Friday, November 14, 2008

As you might have noticed by quantity of my blogposts (a-hem)... I have had some issued over the last few many months that are interfering with my ability to put together cohesive and comprehensibly posts.

We won't talk about the computer problems plaguing me lately. My laptop was returned to the shop yesterday for another 2-3 week stay while replace the motherboard they replaced 3 weeks ago. Yes, 6 out of 9 weeks my perfectly set-up, all the programs I want just as I want them, everything customized and organized to my personal whims laptop has been gone. I've working on borrowed -and therefore not optimized for my personal tastes- laptops. Yesterday, when I took my laptop back, I just broke down and bought a new one. I'm working on getting it all perfect, but I think I need my old laptop back to compare notes, share files, and have them both looking/working the same. Then a weekly swap of data etc., and I should ready the next time something dies.

I digress.. we were talking about my not being productive.

Over these past many months I've had hundreds of starts; thank your stars these efforts hit the trashcan before I hit publish. Compelling? NO. Understandable? Not really. Readable? Not quite.

Between my chronic insomnia and the drugs I take to sleep, I've lost something of myself. Today I am finally seeing a doctor (a specialist) to help me find the way to being me, both outside and inside. I've been waiting 3 months to see this guy. While it is a very long time, it let me do some of the work on my own that we likely would have done together, so the time was not a waste. (fyi: there are drugs you must wean yourself off of slowly. Molasses in winter slowly. No matter how quickly you might wish to be switching to something else. I believe that work is done. Yay!)

Now I am of the "I want things to change, I want them to change RIGHT NOW!"

Part of me is thinking, I've already waited 3 months, when I return from this (very first getting to know us) visit I want a plan for the future outlined in detail steps 1-20 with a clearly stated outcome. I want to sleep tonight, wake up feeling good tomorrow, have my mind clear by Monday, and be able to remember shit like words and concentrate for longer than 30 seconds by the end of next week. (yeah, if I were clearer headed, I would re-write this sentence into something grammatical. Instead, I'm admitting my flaws and living with it).

I know I'm setting my standards too high.

So I'm wanting all those things, but realistically willing to settle for something less. Like a 5 step plan that ends with checking back with him in a couple weeks or a month. Maybe a blood test ordered (could all this be hormonal?), probably just the skeleton outline of a plan.

It's a step in the right direction,.

(just got a call from dr. office. He's out sick. Everything delayed until Tuesday night. I think this whole process is supposed to teach me something about patience. I'm hitting publish anyway.)

I also blog at: Weight for Deb and BlogHer on Mondays and Saturdays.

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