Friday, March 25, 2005

I'm in the middle of my March depression. I get a spell of this every quarter... predictable themes at different times of the year. I used to take antidepressants, but though they levelled things out a bit, they didn't help with these spells. So I stopped. The shrinks I saw in the 20s brought up key points, but often muddied the waters more than they cleared them. So I've learned to work through these.

Usually I have to deal with some aspect of self-doubt.

March, I have to deal with loss and what effect I am leaving on the world (note to self: perhaps I should rent The Five People You Meet In Heaven). Odd, I know, that the season of rebirth should have me dealing with death, but it does. Two grandparents died in the spring when I was a teenager (and 2 at the winter holiday time). My father died in March 2 years ago. I put a young puppy to sleep in March (back in 1993. the same day that the Cleveland Indians lost all their relief pitchers in a boating accident. Almost 12 years ago today). And another dog was lost forever in a park in March; two weeks before my father died.

So I'm outside digging in the garden... making myself move... and looking at the new growth. But feeling more like the weeds I'm pulling out than the plants that are waking up.

This is going to pass. I can hardly wait. No, really, I can hardly wait. In the meantime, I'm weeding my garden.

4 comments:

Gerrie said...

Hang in there dar... You have the right attitude and you understand your psyche. That is good. My month is February, but I had so much crap to deal with that I didn't have a chance to feel depressed - just whooped and overwhelmed. How are you doing with your vessels?

Karoda said...

I overheard parts of an interview with the poet Sekou Sundiata today, he suffered and recovered from multiple medically tragic events...but he was saying how the body remembers and registers the hurt and disappointments...I agree with Gerrie...you understand your psyche and know what to do to self-care...hangeth in.

Lisa, Procrastinator Extraordinaire said...

I have fits of depression, too, but I'm pretty sure mine are tied to mental-pause. Some days I just sit around crying, but I usually try to drag myself off to the mall and buy a new purse (or something else that doesn't involve trying on clothes that are always too small). Thanks for all your help with my blog. You're a wonderful person!
Lisa

Sonji Hunt said...

Debra, I used to have these situational depression things that were related to the time of year that someone died (my Mother, my Father, etc.) and then I decided that I really wanted to celebrate their lives as opposed to feeling so sad that they weren't around for ME. This attitude has helped me immensely. I am not blindly joyful all the time, but I try to fix my mind on the positive contributions from my deceased loved ones instead of how rotten it is not to have them here and now for ME. I am giving you a big hug and pulling out "Major League". We'll watch it and laugh and then listen to some spring training game that we don't really care about this afternoon!